156.8
aaawww yeeaaah
FINALLY in the 150's.
well... it's mostly because I'm super SICK right now.
and can barely eat anything.
MTV and bed all day.
But being out of the 160's by the end of January makes me feel great despite being sick.
149.5 and I'll be out of the "overweight BMI category"
7.3 pounds to be in a healthy weight range!

0

I don't know if I'll ever get there.

but today's a good day.

only 215 cals so far.

F*** Food.

pills

my body has stabilized at 161-163. Fuck that. I'm taking pills now to help me push past this bullshit.

Precision Extreme Lean: a fat burner which gets my metabolism going and also keeps me alert.

CLA: a pill with Omega fatty acids, designed to help target fat burning from the stomach and stabilize hormones.

I need to be in the 150s by the end of January... I have been saying 150s, 150s, 150s for so long... it is hard. it is fucking hard. But it's all I want. This is the hardest push I've had to get into a new weight range. But I'm gonna do it.


Tonight I'm doing laundry and reorganizing my closet and dresser. I also totally convinced my dad to get me a gorgeous Queen sized bed from IKEA for my birthday (in March, after I get back from the Dominican!)


Sorry I've barely been posting. I'm commuting between school and work which is taking a lot out of me... but i know that the more I post on this blog the more weight I lose. I'm going to try harder. I'm going to try harder in everything I do. I'm "grounding" myself on Saturday- I'm staying in all day and night to do homework. I'm cleaning my room tonight (and laundry) so that I'll like being in my room, it won't be gross.


I'll keep you updated on my progress with the pills. This is my third day on them, and so far I have noticed that I'm less hungry and more alert because of the Green Tea Extract.

hugs and kisses, skinny bitches!

xo,

Kaylie.

I saw black swan again today.

I am going to redecorate my bedroom at my dad's house so that it is simplistic and inspiring. I am going to have a basket of workout things and clear the clutter. I'll then redesign it and hopefully buy some new furniture pieces and decorations. I will have this accomplished and my room being trim and sleek by April so that I will be the same.

I bought a lunchbox today that comes with bento box styled tupperware. they even have measurements on them so I know exactly how much I am eating.

I want to eat like a ballerina so I look like one. Vegetables and Fruit mainly and lean protein- mostly eggs, chicken and fish but not too much in a day.

161.
2 more.
This is ridiculous....
                               I need to focus...
                                                        I need a perfect life.

Thinspo: Black Swan

 

 I just want to be perfect...

161.6 ... almost in the 150s... I just want to be perfect... I'm on my way to being perfect...

more thinspo after the jump

xo, K.

a new year

happy new year, lovelies!!!

i am so sorry i disappeared for so long

but i am back!

(@ 162 lb)

2010 recap

since January 1, 2010 i lost 40 lb

i am proud of myself

i have to remember my accomplishments

2011 resolution

i have a slogan:

111 in 2011

(one-eleven in twenty-eleven)

How?

500 intake daily

500 output daily

if i eat more, i workout more. 

easy.

details, please!

155 by Jan 31

145 by Feb 29th

135 by Mar 29th 

^ my birthday

125 by Apr 30th

then -2lb/month until... 

111 on Dec 31, 2011

i have a pink agenda that i'll bring in my purse so i can write down my daily food and exercise stats. Then I'll transfer the summary to my blog. I WILL keep my food log up to date so i can be accountable for the 500 cal intake. I need to lose the weight.

I went to the boy's for New Years day dinner- his whole family from his dad's side gets together to celebrate. I felt so much better this year- i was wearing size 10 jeans and a medium sweater. And I am much much thinner. Still, not thin enough of course. I am still overweight- but 40 lbs less than I was last January.

  I  was able to do some terrific sleuthing and finally figured out the sizes of the boy's sis and mum! His mom went on a diet this year, so she's now down to a size 4 (and proudly announced it too) and his sister is a size 6 (she put on some weight in first year uni but is also WAY taller than me). I am the same height as his mom so i absolutely must get down to a size 4 (by the end of April), and then try for a size 2.

I am so excited for this New Year. I have one more semester left of school and I will do well- I'm not making it a resolution because I am naturally motivated at school work. I'm saving all my resolution will power for my weight loss. 

What are your target goals for 2011?

I missed you all terribly, and hope everyone is doing okay!

xo,

Kaylie.

Christmas Present to Myself: A New Plan

By the end of this month I'm going to be out of the 160's if I have to starve myself after Christmas Day dinner (which I probably will have to of course).


 Here's my situation for next semester: Monday-Wednesday I'm at university in my apartment, and then Thursday-Sunday I'm staying at my dad's and working at the pool near his place. Why am I crazy and doing a ridiculous commute to work during school during the winter? I'm graduating in May and totally horrified that I'm not going to be able to get a good job right away. This way I'm guaranteed to have a decent paying job through summer and for the rest of the year while I volunteer and beef up my resume so I can apply to jobs in museums.

 My dad has a nice glass scale that measures to the first decimal place so I'll be able to weigh myself accurately when i'm working. It's going to be hard to stay on track when I'm living with my dad (any suggestions?) but I think i'll manage. Starve myself during the day, have about half of the dinner he serves and it should be fine.

I'm also going to be getting my GoodLife gym membership upgraded so I can go to any GoodLife gym- that way I can work out when I'm at my dad's. I'm so lucky he gave me his old car, so I don't need to rely on his schedule to be free to borrow a car.

160s-size 12

         December 31 @ 159

150s-size 10

         January 31 @ 149

140s-size 8

        February 29 @ 139

130s-size 6

        March 31 @ 129

Breakfast- 1/2 grapefruit w/cinnamon & water

Lunch- broth (in a portable thermos) and salad, Diet Coke

Dinner-1/2 of the dinner my dad makes, or my own dinner: veggies in pasta sauce and shrimp.

I'll follow this meal plan and fast on days where I don't need to drive or work at the pool.

Workouts will be training 3x a week, doing kickboxing and cardio as much as I need to to drop the weight.

February and March are going to be tough months but I really want to be a size 6  by April, so it's worth it. And I'm not going to let my homework slide so next semester I won't blow my diet because of stress.


Starving my way to skinny <3
Xo,
K.

Thinspo: Carr Photography

 

monday: not eating food. remembering that feeling of hunger.

something's got to give.

Back.

done my exams. done everything except a project i need to finish up (5 pages of writing max). i'm at home, working and relaxing (finally!). And I am back! Next week I have the house to myself because my dad is on a business trip in Panama. So that means I'll be working and going to the gym and barely eating! OH- and I now own a car. SO exciting.

I am going to be making a new years plan soon. I'm going to be pretty hectic next semester because I am commuting between work and school, but I figure that will end up being a good thing: I can't eat while I drive! I have 4 months to get down to a size six, and here is what I have figured out about my weight and what size (at American eagle) I fit into:
160s-size 12
150s-size 10
140s-size 8
130s-size 6
120s- size 4
110s-size 2
100s-size 0

Right now I am wearing size 12s and size 10s- but I'm not solidly a size 10 no-matter-what. I don't fit into size 10 skinny jeans yet. So obvi I should NOT be wearing them haha. By the end of December I want to be in the 50's. 5 lbs to go, that's so easy! ...except maybe not as easy during the holidays :( That's why I need a plan! I'll work on it once my dad's gone- he's always popping in when I'm on my blog or looking at thinspo pictures and I have to minimize the screen lol. That's just something else I need to get used to living at home again!

So coming soon- my new plan & I'll be reading and commenting on all your lovely blogs
Stay strong!
Xo,
K.

four more days

4 more days until I'm done my weeks of hell... I'm so excited to be able to breath again.

I weighed myself for the first time in two weeks, thinking I'd be back up to 170. I'm not! I'm 164. That's okay, I can deal with that. December I am attacking my weight like no tomorrow.

I'm also starting my on line course early in December because I found all the lectures and assignments posted already. That will help. Oh, because I think I forgot to mention: I'm in my final year of a Bachelor of Arts degree majoring in both Drama & History. ... Usually I love it, but right now I am hating my life. Next semester I will be disciplined and manage my time AND my weight they way I want to. I have to. I can't go through this again.

Love you all,

See you (& your wonderful blogs) in 4 days!

Xo,

K.

missing in action

...i was going to title this post MIA like missing in action, but i realized that would sound like bulimia... which I tried last week after a binge but failed at. Which is a good thing. I don't really want to go there.

Sorry I haven't been posting. I will write a list to explain why:

• Protocol Case Book due Monday for drama (approx 5-6 pages of writing to do)
• 950 word Critical Review on a play due Tuesday
• 18 PAGE essay due Wednesday, and the prof is taking of 7% for each spelling/ grammatical error... 7 PERCENT!!!
• 20 Minute presentation on Wednesday in my Canadian Drama course on the significance and importance of my chosen play.
• Friday I have two major drama presentations... one isa monologue I haven't even memorized yet!

I have barely started my 18 page essay... But tonight I think I'm going to finish ALL of my research notes, then Sunday-Monday-Tuesday write the paper... ugh. That's approx 6 pages a day... which is actually manageable i think. But with all the other work doesn't really seem like it. I'm going to make a different list for myself with a breakdown of work to do so I can focus and get things done.

Food wise, I haven't been restricting. Life wise, I'm a total mess because of my homework. Goal wise, I've blown the Christmas plan. But i still fit into all of my skinny clothes and tried on some old grade 11/12 summer clothing at my dad's house and some of it is too big. So that made me feel better at least.

I'm going to dissapear again, but I will resurface next week and read and comment on everyone's blogs and start posting more Thinspo-- and I will get back on track!!

Xo,
K.

Thinspo:Harry Potter's Emma Watson

hi lovelies <3

Thinspo for today is Emma Watson, in honour of the amazing wonderful Deathly Hallows pt 1 HP movie. Who saw it yesterday or today? I saw it with B yesterday and it was so so so good. LOVED it, all the actors are looking so grown up and gorgeous!

Xo,

K.

p.s: welcome to my new followers, I'm sorry I haven't been posting so much, I'm in a bit of a slump. I changed my background though :)

hate

i hate myself right now. I'm so stressed and overwhelmed by school I've binged twice in the past 4 days. I hate myself. I hate myself. I want to go into bed and sleep for three days but I have so much homework .... I can't even handle it. When i think about how much work I have I just shut down and can't do it. Ugh. I'm sorry girls. I'm too depressed to weigh myself right now.

I start work tomorrow. 5 1/2 hours of not eating and being on my feet all the time should make me feel better. Should.

Xo,
K.

no longer with reckless abandon

---------------------------------------

in

B|| 95

1 rice cake

1 cup fruit salad

L|| 170

2 cups beef broth

2 cups light caesar salad

1 medium apple

S|| 100

Special K Cereal Bar

D|| 200

1 cup shrimp

1/2 cup veggies

1/2 cup organic pasta sauce

out

15m.rowing || 150 cal

20m.elliptical || 120 cal

net

295

---------------------------------------

hello wonderfuls!

I forced myself to make my cal intake (almost) 600, because if I'm going to count calories i need to put in an effort to actually eat enough food. I'm still doing personal training at the gym three times a week, so I have to have enough energy for that-- and i don't want my body to shut down or my metabolism to slow and start storing extra fat. 

I'm meeting a friend from school for lunch tomorrow in between my classes, Depending on how much i weigh tomorrow morning will depend on if i eat a real meal or not. Obviously, if i eat a full meal out I'll do extra cardio at the gym.

I have an official weigh in next week with my trainer, eeek! We'll see what she says about my weight loss.

Last time i weighed in was Nov 2nd, @169 lb. It will be 20 days later and i have already dropped 6lb. REALLY exciting for me, but I plan to lose another 2-3lb approx before the weigh in. Do you think a 9 lb loss in 20 days will look suspicious? Or can I chalk it up to lots of extra cardio & following a VERY strict diet? I think it'll work! My trainer is also keeping me in the burn phase because she thinks I can lose lots more fat, so hopefully she'll attribute it to that. I'll keep you updated on how that all goes!

Oh, an update: the monologue I chose to do for my acting class is about Joanne, a woman who is dying from bone cancer, talking about how when she comes home from grocery shopping she just watches her husband and kids through the window playing. And how that will be life after she dies, exactly like that but she will be under the ground rotting. It's about her dealing with the ideas and emotions of leaving her family and how their lives will go on without her & she doesn't fit into that world anymore. I think it's a good choice! Very moving.

xo,

Kaylie <3

Thinspo: Leighton Meester

this morning's weight...162.7...

on my way to the 150's!

Leighton Meester is so fit and good looking, though not the thinnest celeb- but her body is also a lot like mine. I look at miss meester as an attainable goal.  I hope to look like her one day <3

More thinspo after the jump!

xo,

Kaylie.

we are as vapour

oh lovelies, I have a confession: I started counting calories again. I was estimating in my head anyways. It's now a competition between my daily 600 cal allowance and how much less than that I can eat. This is not how I wanted to do this, but it's becoming an absolute obsession. I am sorry... but I'm not sorry for the losses this will entail.

in

B|| 95

1 rice cake

1 cup fruit salad

L|| 0

XL green tea

D|| 200

1 cup shrimp

1/2 cup veggies

1/2 cup organic pasta sauce

out

15m.bike || 100 cal

60m.kickboxing || 500 cal

net

-305

i drank my green tea lunch today sitting in the cafeteria, smelling the grease that would kill me if i ingested it-- i was the only person in control in the room of glutonous pigs. Strong. In control.

I read a play, "Lion in the Streets" as I sat there, to find a monologue. It's about a woman dying of bone cancer, but she want to die beautifully like Ophelia with flowers and a beautiful dress. I want to be beautiful when i die. But I mostly just want to be an ethereal dream, wasting away in front of people but still living and loving. I have hunger pains right now that are really bad. I'm using  those to internalize the monologue. The pain of it, but the hope for the beauty of it as well. I connect to that- but i don't want to die. I want to live beautifully.

stay strong, stay beautiful,

&& welcome to my new followers

Xo,

Kaylie.

to become a dream

"sometimes i feel like that's only a dream" ... i agree, hilima. but i strive to be that dream & what motivates me to get there is that I want to be who people dream about, who they dream of being. And it's going to take me a while, but i will become a thin, vanishing, ethereal dream.

find happiness in hunger

...163.6....

essay, readings, presentations, research drowning in school work

I will be under 160 by next week! Gym tonight, restrict-restrict-restrict!

xo,

K.

Thinspo: Winter Waifs

Winter's coming girls, and I'm scared of the winter weight gain... more layers, cold and dark days... none of these are demotivation after seeing these thinspo girls- I want to look slim and powerful in the winter, and be a winter waif. I want to be visibly losing weight while other girls in my college courses are gaining. It will make me feel strong and powerful.

More thinspo after the jump!

Xo,

K.

meaning and matter

hi loves, i have exciting news! Yesterday at 8:30 I went to the aquatic office at the local pool for an interview with the Recreation Manager and the Aquatic Facility Manager... well, i thought it was a job interview. It turns out they had already decided to 're-hire' me and the first question in the interview was "we would basically just like to know when you can start working, and what hours you will be available". Oh, hello there, job!

I am starting next week just working Sundays until this semester's over, doing guarding and maintenance and assisting with some classes, but because the swim sessions are already started I can't teach my own classes until January. I am so excited to work again, i feel that working at the pool with kids really gives meaning to my life- and it's going to help me so much with weight loss!

Reasons Why I Need to Restrict & Lose

1. feel like myself again
2. match my body to my inner self
3. feel comfortable in my own skin
4. be in control and accountable for my food intake
5. feel light and clean and healthy
6. get rid of the guilt & anger towards myself
7. love myself, so I can love my family, boyfriend and kids i teach so much more.
8. feel confident in my bathing suit while working at the pool
9. not feel like the 'fat friend' anymore
10. be able to go shopping and buy what i love without having to worry about if it will flatter my large figure

I am at my mom's house right now, but I'll be going back to school tonight and will post some Thinspo tonight when I can access the pics saved on my computer.

Xo,
K.

Waiting for a phone call...

I am at my dad's house right now, and I'm supposed to be working on an essay, but instead I'm watching tv because I'm so nervous... I'm waiting for a phone call from my old boss at the pool I used to work at. I reapplied for my old job last week and my friend who still works there to me the boss would be calling me after 12! Eeeek!!

I need and want this job so bad! I'll start at part time, and then when I graduate I'll go to full time :) I will also be able to exercise even more because as a lifeguard and swim instructor I'll be in the pool tons and tons! :)

So the main reason I'm at my dad's is to get his car tomorrow for the week! I get to bring it back to university on Sunday! Sooo I'm making a shopping list because grocery shopping with a car is faaaar easier then having to take the bus!

Skinny Bitch Shopping List
-sugar free gum
-water bottles
-diet coke/pepsi
-chicken, beef, and vegetable broth
-cans of tuna
-lots of fruits and veggies!
-egg whites
-rice cakes

Xo,
Kaylie.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.