four more days

4 more days until I'm done my weeks of hell... I'm so excited to be able to breath again.

I weighed myself for the first time in two weeks, thinking I'd be back up to 170. I'm not! I'm 164. That's okay, I can deal with that. December I am attacking my weight like no tomorrow.

I'm also starting my on line course early in December because I found all the lectures and assignments posted already. That will help. Oh, because I think I forgot to mention: I'm in my final year of a Bachelor of Arts degree majoring in both Drama & History. ... Usually I love it, but right now I am hating my life. Next semester I will be disciplined and manage my time AND my weight they way I want to. I have to. I can't go through this again.

Love you all,

See you (& your wonderful blogs) in 4 days!

Xo,

K.

missing in action

...i was going to title this post MIA like missing in action, but i realized that would sound like bulimia... which I tried last week after a binge but failed at. Which is a good thing. I don't really want to go there.

Sorry I haven't been posting. I will write a list to explain why:

• Protocol Case Book due Monday for drama (approx 5-6 pages of writing to do)
• 950 word Critical Review on a play due Tuesday
• 18 PAGE essay due Wednesday, and the prof is taking of 7% for each spelling/ grammatical error... 7 PERCENT!!!
• 20 Minute presentation on Wednesday in my Canadian Drama course on the significance and importance of my chosen play.
• Friday I have two major drama presentations... one isa monologue I haven't even memorized yet!

I have barely started my 18 page essay... But tonight I think I'm going to finish ALL of my research notes, then Sunday-Monday-Tuesday write the paper... ugh. That's approx 6 pages a day... which is actually manageable i think. But with all the other work doesn't really seem like it. I'm going to make a different list for myself with a breakdown of work to do so I can focus and get things done.

Food wise, I haven't been restricting. Life wise, I'm a total mess because of my homework. Goal wise, I've blown the Christmas plan. But i still fit into all of my skinny clothes and tried on some old grade 11/12 summer clothing at my dad's house and some of it is too big. So that made me feel better at least.

I'm going to dissapear again, but I will resurface next week and read and comment on everyone's blogs and start posting more Thinspo-- and I will get back on track!!

Xo,
K.

Thinspo:Harry Potter's Emma Watson

hi lovelies <3

Thinspo for today is Emma Watson, in honour of the amazing wonderful Deathly Hallows pt 1 HP movie. Who saw it yesterday or today? I saw it with B yesterday and it was so so so good. LOVED it, all the actors are looking so grown up and gorgeous!

Xo,

K.

p.s: welcome to my new followers, I'm sorry I haven't been posting so much, I'm in a bit of a slump. I changed my background though :)

hate

i hate myself right now. I'm so stressed and overwhelmed by school I've binged twice in the past 4 days. I hate myself. I hate myself. I want to go into bed and sleep for three days but I have so much homework .... I can't even handle it. When i think about how much work I have I just shut down and can't do it. Ugh. I'm sorry girls. I'm too depressed to weigh myself right now.

I start work tomorrow. 5 1/2 hours of not eating and being on my feet all the time should make me feel better. Should.

Xo,
K.

no longer with reckless abandon

---------------------------------------

in

B|| 95

1 rice cake

1 cup fruit salad

L|| 170

2 cups beef broth

2 cups light caesar salad

1 medium apple

S|| 100

Special K Cereal Bar

D|| 200

1 cup shrimp

1/2 cup veggies

1/2 cup organic pasta sauce

out

15m.rowing || 150 cal

20m.elliptical || 120 cal

net

295

---------------------------------------

hello wonderfuls!

I forced myself to make my cal intake (almost) 600, because if I'm going to count calories i need to put in an effort to actually eat enough food. I'm still doing personal training at the gym three times a week, so I have to have enough energy for that-- and i don't want my body to shut down or my metabolism to slow and start storing extra fat. 

I'm meeting a friend from school for lunch tomorrow in between my classes, Depending on how much i weigh tomorrow morning will depend on if i eat a real meal or not. Obviously, if i eat a full meal out I'll do extra cardio at the gym.

I have an official weigh in next week with my trainer, eeek! We'll see what she says about my weight loss.

Last time i weighed in was Nov 2nd, @169 lb. It will be 20 days later and i have already dropped 6lb. REALLY exciting for me, but I plan to lose another 2-3lb approx before the weigh in. Do you think a 9 lb loss in 20 days will look suspicious? Or can I chalk it up to lots of extra cardio & following a VERY strict diet? I think it'll work! My trainer is also keeping me in the burn phase because she thinks I can lose lots more fat, so hopefully she'll attribute it to that. I'll keep you updated on how that all goes!

Oh, an update: the monologue I chose to do for my acting class is about Joanne, a woman who is dying from bone cancer, talking about how when she comes home from grocery shopping she just watches her husband and kids through the window playing. And how that will be life after she dies, exactly like that but she will be under the ground rotting. It's about her dealing with the ideas and emotions of leaving her family and how their lives will go on without her & she doesn't fit into that world anymore. I think it's a good choice! Very moving.

xo,

Kaylie <3

Thinspo: Leighton Meester

this morning's weight...162.7...

on my way to the 150's!

Leighton Meester is so fit and good looking, though not the thinnest celeb- but her body is also a lot like mine. I look at miss meester as an attainable goal.  I hope to look like her one day <3

More thinspo after the jump!

xo,

Kaylie.

we are as vapour

oh lovelies, I have a confession: I started counting calories again. I was estimating in my head anyways. It's now a competition between my daily 600 cal allowance and how much less than that I can eat. This is not how I wanted to do this, but it's becoming an absolute obsession. I am sorry... but I'm not sorry for the losses this will entail.

in

B|| 95

1 rice cake

1 cup fruit salad

L|| 0

XL green tea

D|| 200

1 cup shrimp

1/2 cup veggies

1/2 cup organic pasta sauce

out

15m.bike || 100 cal

60m.kickboxing || 500 cal

net

-305

i drank my green tea lunch today sitting in the cafeteria, smelling the grease that would kill me if i ingested it-- i was the only person in control in the room of glutonous pigs. Strong. In control.

I read a play, "Lion in the Streets" as I sat there, to find a monologue. It's about a woman dying of bone cancer, but she want to die beautifully like Ophelia with flowers and a beautiful dress. I want to be beautiful when i die. But I mostly just want to be an ethereal dream, wasting away in front of people but still living and loving. I have hunger pains right now that are really bad. I'm using  those to internalize the monologue. The pain of it, but the hope for the beauty of it as well. I connect to that- but i don't want to die. I want to live beautifully.

stay strong, stay beautiful,

&& welcome to my new followers

Xo,

Kaylie.