oh lovelies, I have a confession: I started counting calories again. I was estimating in my head anyways. It's now a competition between my daily 600 cal allowance and how much less than that I can eat. This is not how I wanted to do this, but it's becoming an absolute obsession. I am sorry... but I'm not sorry for the losses this will entail.
in
B|| 95
1 rice cake
1 cup fruit salad
L|| 0
XL green tea
D|| 200
1 cup shrimp
1/2 cup veggies
1/2 cup organic pasta sauce
out
15m.bike || 100 cal
60m.kickboxing || 500 cal
net
-305
i drank my green tea lunch today sitting in the cafeteria, smelling the grease that would kill me if i ingested it-- i was the only person in control in the room of glutonous pigs. Strong. In control.
I read a play, "Lion in the Streets" as I sat there, to find a monologue. It's about a woman dying of bone cancer, but she want to die beautifully like Ophelia with flowers and a beautiful dress. I want to be beautiful when i die. But I mostly just want to be an ethereal dream, wasting away in front of people but still living and loving. I have hunger pains right now that are really bad. I'm using those to internalize the monologue. The pain of it, but the hope for the beauty of it as well. I connect to that- but i don't want to die. I want to live beautifully.
stay strong, stay beautiful,
&& welcome to my new followers
Xo,
Kaylie.
I've tried not counting calories before...if felt great to not have the burden for a while and eat whatever you wanted without worrying about what's in there...but that didn't last long with me either! Maybe 2 or 3 weeks, tops?
ReplyDeleteIt's such a wonderful feeling to be surrounded my so many people eating and stuffing their faces while you sip on your water/diet coke. Sometimes, you can't help but look down on the other people who aren't strong enough to resist the bad stuff!
I don't want to die either...there's a part of me that wants to keep living forever because I'll always be learning something new. I want to die beautiful, or as beautiful as I can possibly be. I don't want to die in a horrible accent- I would rather die a really old lady, warm in my bed beside my future husband =).
Let us know what part of the play you chose for your monologue! I'd love to read it!
♥