Green Tea and Misery

I woke up at 10:30am. I feel so full and bloated, I feel big and disgusting. I had planned on an apple for breakfast, but I'm only having green tea. I don't have class until 2:30 today, so it doesn't matter if my stomach is rumbling this morning. I don't have to eat anything until 1:30- and then just enough to stop the gurggling. An apple and almonds maybe? And I'll bring some veggies with me to class just in case.

I have a presentation tomorrow afternoon in my Senior Seminar and I'm not even half way done it! I think I need to focus on food restriction and school work success. This month I am taking control. I will own November. I don't want to be miserable.

Another reason and motivation to succeed at taking control? My boyfriend's family. His mom is so petite and his sister is tall and thin like a model. All his aunts are SUPER thin, like his one Aunt looks like Gwyneth Paltrow, literally. I think the only comfort I take is the knowledge that WHEN I am thin like the women in that family I will be prettier than his mom and sister. I am going to be seeing his family in December after exams are done... So I'll have a month and a half to restrict as much as possible. I hate hate hate that feeling I get in my stomach whenever I go over there- I hate myself so much afterwards, I feel ashamed and embarassed. I want to feel thin and light. I need to be smaller than his mom and sister. This will take a while, but it will be worth it.

Right now I'm listening to Taylor Swift's new CD. I adore it. 100%. My roommate bought it too and it's so funny, we always play it at the same time and you can hear it through the walls. Last night we started singing "enchanted" at the exact same time. I love my roomie. J is so great- I was at the kitchen table last week putting all my groceries into tupperware containers for portion control (I put my cut up veggies in Ziploc bags and then put those bags in larger containers). She just laughed and said I was like and old woman. I honestly think J would do Ana with me, but I'm too scared to ask. She was telling me about how in the summer she would only eat an apple at work so she didn't feel bad about the calories she was eating at her family dinner. I think I'll just do this by myself, and If she comments on my weight loss positively and asks how I do it I'll let her know. .... Maybe. I'm not sure if I want to share this yet. It is my own and taking that away from me and sharing it might feel like a loss of control.

I have a reading to do for my Theatre Review class today (it's an academic critical review) so I shall do that while sipping my tea and listening to Speak Now :)  ... I might take a break to post Taylor Swift Thinspo.

xo,
Kaylie.