four more days

4 more days until I'm done my weeks of hell... I'm so excited to be able to breath again.

I weighed myself for the first time in two weeks, thinking I'd be back up to 170. I'm not! I'm 164. That's okay, I can deal with that. December I am attacking my weight like no tomorrow.

I'm also starting my on line course early in December because I found all the lectures and assignments posted already. That will help. Oh, because I think I forgot to mention: I'm in my final year of a Bachelor of Arts degree majoring in both Drama & History. ... Usually I love it, but right now I am hating my life. Next semester I will be disciplined and manage my time AND my weight they way I want to. I have to. I can't go through this again.

Love you all,

See you (& your wonderful blogs) in 4 days!

Xo,

K.

missing in action

...i was going to title this post MIA like missing in action, but i realized that would sound like bulimia... which I tried last week after a binge but failed at. Which is a good thing. I don't really want to go there.

Sorry I haven't been posting. I will write a list to explain why:

• Protocol Case Book due Monday for drama (approx 5-6 pages of writing to do)
• 950 word Critical Review on a play due Tuesday
• 18 PAGE essay due Wednesday, and the prof is taking of 7% for each spelling/ grammatical error... 7 PERCENT!!!
• 20 Minute presentation on Wednesday in my Canadian Drama course on the significance and importance of my chosen play.
• Friday I have two major drama presentations... one isa monologue I haven't even memorized yet!

I have barely started my 18 page essay... But tonight I think I'm going to finish ALL of my research notes, then Sunday-Monday-Tuesday write the paper... ugh. That's approx 6 pages a day... which is actually manageable i think. But with all the other work doesn't really seem like it. I'm going to make a different list for myself with a breakdown of work to do so I can focus and get things done.

Food wise, I haven't been restricting. Life wise, I'm a total mess because of my homework. Goal wise, I've blown the Christmas plan. But i still fit into all of my skinny clothes and tried on some old grade 11/12 summer clothing at my dad's house and some of it is too big. So that made me feel better at least.

I'm going to dissapear again, but I will resurface next week and read and comment on everyone's blogs and start posting more Thinspo-- and I will get back on track!!

Xo,
K.

Thinspo:Harry Potter's Emma Watson

hi lovelies <3

Thinspo for today is Emma Watson, in honour of the amazing wonderful Deathly Hallows pt 1 HP movie. Who saw it yesterday or today? I saw it with B yesterday and it was so so so good. LOVED it, all the actors are looking so grown up and gorgeous!

Xo,

K.

p.s: welcome to my new followers, I'm sorry I haven't been posting so much, I'm in a bit of a slump. I changed my background though :)

hate

i hate myself right now. I'm so stressed and overwhelmed by school I've binged twice in the past 4 days. I hate myself. I hate myself. I want to go into bed and sleep for three days but I have so much homework .... I can't even handle it. When i think about how much work I have I just shut down and can't do it. Ugh. I'm sorry girls. I'm too depressed to weigh myself right now.

I start work tomorrow. 5 1/2 hours of not eating and being on my feet all the time should make me feel better. Should.

Xo,
K.

no longer with reckless abandon

---------------------------------------

in

B|| 95

1 rice cake

1 cup fruit salad

L|| 170

2 cups beef broth

2 cups light caesar salad

1 medium apple

S|| 100

Special K Cereal Bar

D|| 200

1 cup shrimp

1/2 cup veggies

1/2 cup organic pasta sauce

out

15m.rowing || 150 cal

20m.elliptical || 120 cal

net

295

---------------------------------------

hello wonderfuls!

I forced myself to make my cal intake (almost) 600, because if I'm going to count calories i need to put in an effort to actually eat enough food. I'm still doing personal training at the gym three times a week, so I have to have enough energy for that-- and i don't want my body to shut down or my metabolism to slow and start storing extra fat. 

I'm meeting a friend from school for lunch tomorrow in between my classes, Depending on how much i weigh tomorrow morning will depend on if i eat a real meal or not. Obviously, if i eat a full meal out I'll do extra cardio at the gym.

I have an official weigh in next week with my trainer, eeek! We'll see what she says about my weight loss.

Last time i weighed in was Nov 2nd, @169 lb. It will be 20 days later and i have already dropped 6lb. REALLY exciting for me, but I plan to lose another 2-3lb approx before the weigh in. Do you think a 9 lb loss in 20 days will look suspicious? Or can I chalk it up to lots of extra cardio & following a VERY strict diet? I think it'll work! My trainer is also keeping me in the burn phase because she thinks I can lose lots more fat, so hopefully she'll attribute it to that. I'll keep you updated on how that all goes!

Oh, an update: the monologue I chose to do for my acting class is about Joanne, a woman who is dying from bone cancer, talking about how when she comes home from grocery shopping she just watches her husband and kids through the window playing. And how that will be life after she dies, exactly like that but she will be under the ground rotting. It's about her dealing with the ideas and emotions of leaving her family and how their lives will go on without her & she doesn't fit into that world anymore. I think it's a good choice! Very moving.

xo,

Kaylie <3

Thinspo: Leighton Meester

this morning's weight...162.7...

on my way to the 150's!

Leighton Meester is so fit and good looking, though not the thinnest celeb- but her body is also a lot like mine. I look at miss meester as an attainable goal.  I hope to look like her one day <3

More thinspo after the jump!

xo,

Kaylie.

we are as vapour

oh lovelies, I have a confession: I started counting calories again. I was estimating in my head anyways. It's now a competition between my daily 600 cal allowance and how much less than that I can eat. This is not how I wanted to do this, but it's becoming an absolute obsession. I am sorry... but I'm not sorry for the losses this will entail.

in

B|| 95

1 rice cake

1 cup fruit salad

L|| 0

XL green tea

D|| 200

1 cup shrimp

1/2 cup veggies

1/2 cup organic pasta sauce

out

15m.bike || 100 cal

60m.kickboxing || 500 cal

net

-305

i drank my green tea lunch today sitting in the cafeteria, smelling the grease that would kill me if i ingested it-- i was the only person in control in the room of glutonous pigs. Strong. In control.

I read a play, "Lion in the Streets" as I sat there, to find a monologue. It's about a woman dying of bone cancer, but she want to die beautifully like Ophelia with flowers and a beautiful dress. I want to be beautiful when i die. But I mostly just want to be an ethereal dream, wasting away in front of people but still living and loving. I have hunger pains right now that are really bad. I'm using  those to internalize the monologue. The pain of it, but the hope for the beauty of it as well. I connect to that- but i don't want to die. I want to live beautifully.

stay strong, stay beautiful,

&& welcome to my new followers

Xo,

Kaylie.

to become a dream

"sometimes i feel like that's only a dream" ... i agree, hilima. but i strive to be that dream & what motivates me to get there is that I want to be who people dream about, who they dream of being. And it's going to take me a while, but i will become a thin, vanishing, ethereal dream.

find happiness in hunger

...163.6....

essay, readings, presentations, research drowning in school work

I will be under 160 by next week! Gym tonight, restrict-restrict-restrict!

xo,

K.

Thinspo: Winter Waifs

Winter's coming girls, and I'm scared of the winter weight gain... more layers, cold and dark days... none of these are demotivation after seeing these thinspo girls- I want to look slim and powerful in the winter, and be a winter waif. I want to be visibly losing weight while other girls in my college courses are gaining. It will make me feel strong and powerful.

More thinspo after the jump!

Xo,

K.

meaning and matter

hi loves, i have exciting news! Yesterday at 8:30 I went to the aquatic office at the local pool for an interview with the Recreation Manager and the Aquatic Facility Manager... well, i thought it was a job interview. It turns out they had already decided to 're-hire' me and the first question in the interview was "we would basically just like to know when you can start working, and what hours you will be available". Oh, hello there, job!

I am starting next week just working Sundays until this semester's over, doing guarding and maintenance and assisting with some classes, but because the swim sessions are already started I can't teach my own classes until January. I am so excited to work again, i feel that working at the pool with kids really gives meaning to my life- and it's going to help me so much with weight loss!

Reasons Why I Need to Restrict & Lose

1. feel like myself again
2. match my body to my inner self
3. feel comfortable in my own skin
4. be in control and accountable for my food intake
5. feel light and clean and healthy
6. get rid of the guilt & anger towards myself
7. love myself, so I can love my family, boyfriend and kids i teach so much more.
8. feel confident in my bathing suit while working at the pool
9. not feel like the 'fat friend' anymore
10. be able to go shopping and buy what i love without having to worry about if it will flatter my large figure

I am at my mom's house right now, but I'll be going back to school tonight and will post some Thinspo tonight when I can access the pics saved on my computer.

Xo,
K.

Waiting for a phone call...

I am at my dad's house right now, and I'm supposed to be working on an essay, but instead I'm watching tv because I'm so nervous... I'm waiting for a phone call from my old boss at the pool I used to work at. I reapplied for my old job last week and my friend who still works there to me the boss would be calling me after 12! Eeeek!!

I need and want this job so bad! I'll start at part time, and then when I graduate I'll go to full time :) I will also be able to exercise even more because as a lifeguard and swim instructor I'll be in the pool tons and tons! :)

So the main reason I'm at my dad's is to get his car tomorrow for the week! I get to bring it back to university on Sunday! Sooo I'm making a shopping list because grocery shopping with a car is faaaar easier then having to take the bus!

Skinny Bitch Shopping List
-sugar free gum
-water bottles
-diet coke/pepsi
-chicken, beef, and vegetable broth
-cans of tuna
-lots of fruits and veggies!
-egg whites
-rice cakes

Xo,
Kaylie.
Sent wirelessly from my BlackBerry device on the Bell network.
Envoyé sans fil par mon terminal mobile BlackBerry sur le réseau de Bell.

Thinspo: Victoria's Secret Christmas

I needed some thinspiration to stay on track for my 'Shrinking for Christmas Plan' so I've decided to post Christmas & winter-themed thinspo over the course of the month! Today's is the Victoria Secret Christmas show & catalogue.  I'm using the VS girls because I know I'm not going to look like a waif this Christmas, so I'm using Thinspo today that isn't going to make me depressed. Christmas 2011, however will be all about the sexy skin and bones!

More Thinspo after the jump!

Xo,

K.

good morning

Yesterday, after my fast day I was 165.5. Today I am 165.6, i've only gained 0.1 after a luxurious eating day, so that's alright. I'm sitting eating two rice cakes with almond butter on them for brekkie right now. Dinner and lunch I'm going out with friends... oh god. Restaurant salads. Then after dinner I'm going to the gym and taking no prisoners- I must purge those calories through exercise because tomorrow is my first weigh-in day for my Christmas Plan! eeeeek... I have to lose 0.6 lb today and I'm eating out??? I am insane. It's official.

Update: I think the lack of food is getting to my brain, because after posting this I realized that my weightloss target goal is 166 for tomorrow, not 165... so I've already hit it, I just need to keep the weight off... good news! I'm insane, but not for the reasons I was thinking haha.

Thinspo: Hannah Murray

I didn't eat for three days because I wanted to be lovely.

More thinspo after the jump!

Xo,

K.

water & woes

This is me @ 166.7 lb... a whale-a-saurus... uggghhh.

Today is a liquid fast day, and I have been successful so far (and will continue to be). I don't feel hungry one bit. I do, however, feel depressed today. I'm usually much more chipper but I am feeling awful instead. I took photos (you can see them on my Progress page) and just feel absolutely like the biggest whale ever. You can see for yourself though - I am giant. This just motivates me more, and having now started posting pics on my blog I'll be trying to get visibly smaller each month so my photos will be less whale like.

Also, because I was feeling so down on myself I just made things worse by looking at pictures of my skinny bitch friends on facebook. One friend in particular- she used to be my size (bigger even, at one point!) and is now a skinny mini. She's a size 4/6... but I'm determined to be smaller than her by the end of April!

Another page that I made today is the "Diets & Tips" page, which I hope you lovelies will find super helpful! There isn't much there right now but I'll be adding more stuff asap! What kind of things would you like to see there?

Yesterday I said that I was 166.7 but that it might change when I measured myself this morning... It didn't, wtf? 166.7 still. But tomorrow morning I better see some change. I'm hitting the gym in two hours with my roommate and I'm going to burn at least 500 calories so that should help the scale shift.

I've been watching a lot of documentaries on Size 0 and size 00, and I've been getting lots of tips and tricks from those. I posted one as Thinspo for today--- would you like more documentaries as thinspo mixed with photos, or do you like photos more? (Let me know! The thinspo is for you as much as it is for me.) In December, after my exams and before I move home for the hols I'm going to do an extreme crash diet to lose as much weight as possible before Christmas. Then for Christmas dinners and new years I'm going to eat and drink, but the smallest amount possible-- saying "I'm sick" or something. I have to plan this out more, but I'll give you lovelies the details when I've thought it through.

For now, I'm just hoping that going to the gym tonight will lift my spirits. If I still feel down tomorrow & the scale hasn't moved much I'm probably going to do another liquid fast.

Hope you pretties are in a better mood than I am,
Stay strong & smile
Xo,
K.

P.s: To my new followers: welcome & thank you so much, you are wonderful!

Thinspo: Super Slim Me

Hello lovelies! Today's Thinspo is a BBC documentary about a journalist going on a 500 calorie a day diet to become a size 0 (or UK size 4). It has great diet tips, such as Angelina Jolie's syrup & water diet. It also has clips of Victoria Beckham and models for further thinspo. In the end it has negative connotations, but it's okay-- she doesn't have what it takes to be skinny and beautiful, but we do!

Xo, K.



travels & triumphs

Wish I looked like VB when travelling.

Girls, this weekend away was so difficult for me. Friday was fine, because I controlled my intake- but saturday and sunday? Terrifying. Saturday I was at B's place, and her grandma came over and made us breakfast of scrambled eggs and toast. Not too bad. Then we went shopping and I bought these KILLER brown boots. I'm afraid to buy clothes right now, because I'm just going to shrink out of them in the next few months. I had a fruit smoothie (no dairy) at the mall for lunch.

Then for dinner I met boy and he *suprised* me by taking me out to a SUPER fancy mediterranean restaurant. It was soooo cute, ladies! Except for the fact that we were going out for dinnner, ugghh. But I was as good as I could be. I had a garden salad for starters, and then for my entree ordered the halibut. It came with spinach and red pepper as well as potatoes. I ate half the halibut, half the spinach and red peppers and then gave boy the rest of my meal :) He always eats my leftovers, because even in my fatty-eating days I couldn't finish restaurant portions. Sunday was alright. I had an egg and fruit salad for breakfast and then for lunch chicken noodle soup and salad, and a salad again for dinner.

But the miracle after this weekend is.... that I lost weight! I mean, granted it isn't much, but I weighed myself tonight and I am 166.7 lbs. That's a loss of 0.6 for a weekend of eating So.Much.Food... but it's also a night weigh-in. I always weigh myself in the morning, so I'm thinking it's going to be closer to 166 by the am. I'll let you lovelies know :)

failures & plans

Today was supposed to be a liquid fast.... !#$%^&*(%$... I was doing SO well, and then I had 6 small pieces of California Roll sushi for dinner... ugghhh.... SO I went to the gym and worked out for two hours. If it was an ordinary intake day I would be feeling great, but because it was a liquid day, not so much :( Sorry lovelies!

In other news, I've decided to set some goals for myself! I am going to boy's parent's place between December 20-23 (boy doesn't have his exam schedule yet, so we're still not sure). I want to look as skinny as possible for that because I always feel like the biggest fatty ever when I'm around his mom and tinyyy sister. His mom's probably a size four and his sister's a size 2 (on her way to a size 0). I look like a giant freaking whale-a-saurus around them, and I feel like they are judging me every single second. I hate hate hate eating when I'm over there too-- but of course, I have to. I just take small portions. They don't really notice because boy's sister doesn't eat much either.

Nov 5 - Dec 20th Plan

Daily Caloric Intake = 600
Liquid Fasting = 2/wk (M-Th)
Training = 3/wk, 1 hr ea. (T-W-Th)
Cardio = 4/wk, 500 cal ea. (M-T-W-Th, at least)

Weekly Targets:
Nov 11 - 166
Nov 18 - 163
Nov 25 - 160
Dec 02 - 157
Dec 09 - 154
Dec 16 - 151

My personal trainer weighs me in at the end of each month, so i can't loose too much weight... frustrating! Otherwise I'd be trying for WAY more... but we'll see what happens. If the weight just keeps falling off (and I'm not losing muscle mass) I won't do anything to stop it. What do you girls think? If I loose 9 lbs in a month, will she think that's suspicious? I mean, I clearly HAVE the fat to lose so it shouldn't be too bad, right??

This weekend I'm visiting the city...

...so I'm not going to be able to post :( I'm sorry girlies! I'm seeing a play Friday night and then visiting my bestfriend (B) Fri-Sat and then seeing boy Sat-Sun. I'm going to try my hardest to eat as little as possible, aaack. Boy knows I'm trying to lose weight, so I'll just have lots of salads. I'm going to convince B to go rockclimbing with me on Saturday. If she's feeling lazy, I guess we could just go to the mall- and walk around lots and lots. I hope I don't gain!! Do you lovelies have any suggestions for weekends away that I could use? Wish me luck!!

Because I'm curious... what are your favourite thinspirations and motivations right now?

My main thinspiration right now is Taylor Swift, because she's all over the media and radio and so I'm always being reminded of how successful and beautiful skinny girls are. My biggest motivation is to be at or as close to my goal weight as possible by the end of April when I graduate Uni. aaah!

Thanks for the comments and follows <3


Sarah - oh yeah, that VB pic is for sure photoshopped! Oh, and your other reasons for skipping the Germany trip are totally valid- missing friends, school AND new years would be so so tough. Whatever decision you make it'll be the right one <3 Oh also I posted my stats in the 'about me' section on the right side of my blog!


Hilima - thanks for the follow xo, and I love Natalie Portman too! She's so beautiful and petite. Kind of like Audrey Hepburn.


Sarah- I'm trying so hard to be as healthy as I can but it's tough.

A.beautiful.mess- thanks for the follow, hun <3 love your blog-- good luck with limiting your intake below 1000 cals.

Xo,
Kaylie <3

Thinspo: Natalie Portman

more thinspo after the jump! enjoy <3

XO,

K.

triumphs and excitements

...graceful, elegant, delicate...
*i will be light as a ballerina one day*

 

~*~

Nov 3 Intake

AM:

-Protein shake before I went to the gym

-green tea

NOON:

-1 large apple cut up w/ cinnamon

-1 piece 12-grain toast

-1 egg, scrambled on toast

-8 almonds

-Pills: (Cold FX, Advil, multi vit, Adderall)

(my lunch was so big b/c I had a presentation at school and didn't want my tummy growling)

AFTERNOON:

-1 cup of broccolis and carrots

-2 tablespoons of hummus

DINNER:

-1 cup Butternut Squash & Red Pepper Soup

-Large Arugula and Spinach salad with low fat/low cal Italian salad dressing

-10 Wheat Thins (whole wheat) crackers

Yesterday's Small Triumph
Last night, after having dinner of a salad and piece of chicken (I was so tempted to just eat salad, but I want to be healthier about this, so the protein was necessary) I met a friend to study. We went to a coffee house/ cafe to sit, which i was nervous about. My friend ordered an egg and bacon bagel sandwhich and fried potatoes wedges with ketchup and a large iced cappucino! OMG so many calories! I ordered an XL Green Tea, and told her I had already eaten dinner (it was actually true!).

I felt so good sitting there being thin and in control of what i was eating (or not eating). As I watched her pack on 600+ calories I felt above that. I won. Not between me and her, but with myself. I won. I didn't give into temptation or indulge in uncessary food that would only turn into fat on my body. I love that feeling of accomplishment and control.

Work it Out, Girl <3
I train three times a week in the early mornings, and I'm nervous about fueling my body for the gym while restricting my intake. Today I'm trying a healthy vegan protein shake before the workout to see if that'll last.

Okay it was a weigh-in day with my trainer, and I was SOOO nervous that the weight I had lost was muscle even though I've been super careful. But guess what?? I lost 6lbs or pure fat in a month! (this is before I started restricting). I lost absolutely no muscle mass whatsoever! so I'm 169 right now (I know, major ew...) and my goal with my trainer is to be at 160 by Jan 1st. So 9 lbs in two months. Easy!

BUT I want to make it more :) I want to be 158. That will be so freaking awesome. 11lbs of fat loss in two months. I can do that for sure, but I need to be so careful that she doesn't start asking about my diet. She was so super proud and happy for me though, so that was a great great feeling! I love reinforcement.


Thought of the day: It doesn't matter how skinny you are, if you're standing in the middle of the sidewalk texting, you are a total fatty because you are in everyone's way. Move, bitch!


Looking forward to tomorrow....
Tomorrow I am doing a 24-hr liquid fast... No class, so it doesnt matter if my stomach is gurgling :) I have a Vegan meal supplement powder that I take with 1 1/2 cups water and it provides 100% of all my daily vitamins and minerals and even extra things like fatty acids... basically it's a miracle. It DOES go through my system super fast though, so I need to be near a toilet (which is why I can only do this on days when i don't have class). BUT it's SO worth it because it's a total cleanse to my digestive system while still giving my body all its nutrients.


It's 240 cal per serving (two scoops of powder) but I only use 1 scoop per 'meal'.  Oh, if you want to read about the product, it's called Vega Whole Foods Health Optimizer. I have the berry one, but it's kinda gross- I know the vanilla and chocolate ones are a lot yummier, so when I run out I'm going to try one of those flavours. I will also have TONS of water and green tea throughout the day to keep my body fully hydrated at all times! Eeeek I'm so excited :)

Thanks for all the lovely comments yesterday <3

Be beautiful, be strong

XO,
Kaylie <3

loving my lunch

My lunch today was great! I feel full and satisfied- I'm still going to take veggies with me to class though. And I'm going to go to the library to work on my presentation after.
I'm scared to start counting calories, because in the past that's where I ran into serious troubles: every day I would try to eat less and less calories and I am trying to be good about this. SO I am not going to count calories right now, I'm just going to eat fruits, veggies and nuts and if I eat bad foods I'll count THOSE calories so I can work them off @ the gym.
Lunch:
Large apple cut up, with cinnamon
10 Almonds
Pills (One-A-Day Multivitamin, Cold FX, Adderall, Advil)
Large glass of water

xo,
Kaylie <3

Thinspo: Taylor Swift

you and i walk a fragile line, we have known it all this time, but I never thought I'd live to see it break

more thinspo after the jump,

xo,

kaylie. <3

Green Tea and Misery

I woke up at 10:30am. I feel so full and bloated, I feel big and disgusting. I had planned on an apple for breakfast, but I'm only having green tea. I don't have class until 2:30 today, so it doesn't matter if my stomach is rumbling this morning. I don't have to eat anything until 1:30- and then just enough to stop the gurggling. An apple and almonds maybe? And I'll bring some veggies with me to class just in case.

I have a presentation tomorrow afternoon in my Senior Seminar and I'm not even half way done it! I think I need to focus on food restriction and school work success. This month I am taking control. I will own November. I don't want to be miserable.

Another reason and motivation to succeed at taking control? My boyfriend's family. His mom is so petite and his sister is tall and thin like a model. All his aunts are SUPER thin, like his one Aunt looks like Gwyneth Paltrow, literally. I think the only comfort I take is the knowledge that WHEN I am thin like the women in that family I will be prettier than his mom and sister. I am going to be seeing his family in December after exams are done... So I'll have a month and a half to restrict as much as possible. I hate hate hate that feeling I get in my stomach whenever I go over there- I hate myself so much afterwards, I feel ashamed and embarassed. I want to feel thin and light. I need to be smaller than his mom and sister. This will take a while, but it will be worth it.

Right now I'm listening to Taylor Swift's new CD. I adore it. 100%. My roommate bought it too and it's so funny, we always play it at the same time and you can hear it through the walls. Last night we started singing "enchanted" at the exact same time. I love my roomie. J is so great- I was at the kitchen table last week putting all my groceries into tupperware containers for portion control (I put my cut up veggies in Ziploc bags and then put those bags in larger containers). She just laughed and said I was like and old woman. I honestly think J would do Ana with me, but I'm too scared to ask. She was telling me about how in the summer she would only eat an apple at work so she didn't feel bad about the calories she was eating at her family dinner. I think I'll just do this by myself, and If she comments on my weight loss positively and asks how I do it I'll let her know. .... Maybe. I'm not sure if I want to share this yet. It is my own and taking that away from me and sharing it might feel like a loss of control.

I have a reading to do for my Theatre Review class today (it's an academic critical review) so I shall do that while sipping my tea and listening to Speak Now :)  ... I might take a break to post Taylor Swift Thinspo.

xo,
Kaylie.